Murphy's Law

When you decide to have your beautiful bundle of joy, no one tells you about the Murphy’s law (also known as sod’s law!) of bringing up your little one. So I have made a list :-

1. The Favourite
You lay the baby on the bed ( anywhere really) and whip off the nappy for a quick change, if you are lucky you may have a window of 5-10 seconds. But failing that you know it’s going to happen, the baby is going to wee/poo.
This has happened to me on many occasions, trying to be cocky and not use the changing mat on the bed resulted in a big puddle on fresh bed sheets!
If you have a son as I have, you can expect the fountain of wee, which may result in poor little lad weeing in his own eye, if not soaking you through!
My worst experience was when my son was about three months. It was the early hours of the morning and I laid him on the bed for a quick change (on changing mat). Other half was sleeping beside me catching flies with his mouth wide open, as he rolled over my son pooed (Lovely mustard poo)with such force that it covered me and my bed and my other half’s pillow, he was so lucky that he rolled over or it may have gone into his mouth!
We often laugh about it still to this day, but I take no chances with my baby girl!!

2. The wee-igh in
You take your little bundle of joy to get weighed at the baby clinic. You lay them on the scales and while the health visitor is fiddling about writing their name down you have already removed the nappy and … there it is, the baby tinkles in the scales covering themselves in wee!
You then feel slightly embarrassed that a queue has now formed behind you and that your baby had to be the one to tinkle!
The Health visitor is now flapping about with tissues and wipes trying to clean the scales, while you try and dry the piddle from your babies hair!
You still haven’t actually had the baby weighed yet!
When all is ready again you just pray they don’t poo!!

3. The volcanic explosion
You think you have prepared everything ready for your little trip out of the house (which has taken half the day to prepare!)
Changing bag ready, pram, baby etc.
You are enjoying a piece of the outside world, baby happy, you happy, the baby gives you a lovely smile and you smile back lovingly …….the baby grimaces and there is a rumbling sound and you realise they have just filled their nappy!!!
No problem you will go and change him/her …………………………But Alas………you have forgotten one of the following: Nappies/ baby wipes/ spare clothes / the whole changing bag!!!
Not only have you forgotten one or all of the above but your baby has had a mini volcanic explosion and it has seeped out of the side of the legs, back and maybe even neck!!
Plus your Pram/ car seat has now also been covered in offending substance and by this point you may feel like you want to cry along with your now miserable baby!
So the lesson is always be prepared!!

4. You’ll never eat alone
If by some small miracle you have managed to prepare a meal without having to hold your sweet little one and prepare it with one hand, you can bet everything you own that you are not going to be able to eat it!
You are very hungry and look forward to tucking into your meal, you put your plate on the table and sit down as soon as you pick up your knife and fork it begins…..

I think babies are born with some kind of sensor!

As soon as you are ready to eat they cry and want to be picked up.
It has happened with all three of my delightful offspring.
Only a few days ago, I achieved making a spag bol for us all with the use of both my hands!
As soon as I put the plate on the table my little darling decided it was time to be picked up!

In fact I tried to multi-task breast feeding whilst eating spag bol, as you know spag bol is very messy, all that spaghetti and lovely orange/red sauce .
It was a nightmare to tame with the use of only one hand (and a fork) so I managed to cover the baby and myself in it.
I think I made more mess than my four year old!
I had to bath the baby after that. As for our clothes, thank goodness for stain remover!

So now I know it’s going to happen I eat quicker than I have ever eaten before or just re-heat it!!
Thank goodness for microwaves too!

5. Is it a bird?
You just get yourself looking lovely for a trip out, usual half a day of getting prepared and checking you have EVERTHING in changing bag after being caught out by volcanic explosion on last trip out!

Happily strolling along with contented baby, you smile to yourself knowing you have one up on sweet little bundle of joy as today you have been extra organised and have even brought spare baby clothes should repeat of baby volcano happen again.

But someone stops you in the street to tell you that a bird has decorated the shoulder of your new black top!
As you look at the offending decoration you realise that it was not a bird but your smiling bundle of joy and realise that yet again your beautiful baby has out smarted you again!!

Then you realise that for the last few weeks you have been walking around with baby sick on all clothing you have worn !

You now realise that you may also have to bring out a spare change of clothes for yourself and that the changing bag is just not big enough anymore and you may require a small holdall!

But you feel better when you go to the baby clinic and see other parents shoulders with matching decoration.

6. You are feeling sleepy
You have fed and rocked your little one for hours, you are feeling tired yourself but patient persistence has paid off, you have finally got your little bundle off to sleep.
Your gently lay them down, hardly daring to breath and tip toe away when (*select one or more of the following)
A) Phone rings
B) Other half lets out loud snore
C) You trip/drop something
D) One of babies siblings shouts/cries/ makes lots of noise
E) Someone knocks/rings doorbell

Your very tired baby wakes up and you will then have to start the whole process again
OR
Your very tired baby wakes up and you know they are not going back down to sleep again, the whole day is now going to be a nightmare because they will be get over tired and turn into a little monster, much like a gremlin from movie.From sweet little Gizmo all happy and cute, to nasty green gremlin ( I’m talking about the first movie not the second one with the blonde female gremlin with plumped up red lips!!)

7. Rise and Dine
You have finally gotten the apple of your eye off to sleep, possibly without any of the previous drama’s occurring, you may even have gotten a little bit of housework done (that’s a massive achievement in it’s self! )
But now your little sweetie pie is in deep slumber, you are waiting for them to wake up as your boob is telling you it’s dinner time. It needs to be relieved.
You peek in, hoping that your baby is awake and hungry, but they are still fast asleep. You don’t want to wake them as there is so much you could do whilst they are still sleeping, however, your engorged, aching boob is becoming unbearable.
You then begin to get desperate, banging things about making as much noise as you can but to no avail.
The phone has rung, someone knocked on the door, your other child has been running amok, your partner may even of snored (but unlikely given the amount of noise and that it’s the middle of the day!)

Your little one is still asleep!

By this time you look slightly deformed, one of your boobs is near bursting point and you have changed the breast pad about ten times.
Your bra is having problems supporting the now bowling ball sized breast.

You now try whispering into babies ear to wake them gently so as to not scare the life out of them, causing mass chaos.
The whispers start sweet and soothing but after five minutes they have become louder and you begin begging your little one to wake up and feed. Eventually they wake up, happy and rested . You feel the relief wash over you , and get them positioned on to the now basket ball sized boob.

Only……………they aren’t hungry just yet!!!!!

How to look good knackered!

As I look in the mirror and my post pregnancy body, I know that even Gok can’t preform miracles.

Having three children has finally taken it’s toll on my poor old knackered body.

How celebs ping back into their pre- pregnancy forms and never seem to have any stretch marks is beyond me!
I know air brushing has a lot to answer for.

But take my poor old body, I have stretch marks, I have had three c-sections so I now have a fold of skin the size of a baby elephants ear!
My other half has mentioned getting a tummy tuck, So I'll just pop and get one in my lunch hour!!

Most women have one boob bigger than the other but when you are breast feeding it’s even more obvious and I walk around looking like I have had a boob job and one has deflated!
Plus I have more rolls than a bakery!

After my first baby my body seemed to get back to some kind of recognisable human form although it was never the size it was before, but after baby number three I’m not sure what shape it is!!

My other half bought me an expensive piece of underwear that’s designed for post - pregnancy , to help your stomach muscles knit back together again and suck it all in. This would have been very thoughtful had it have been after the birth of my second child only he got it for me when the baby was three years old!!
So obviously I was insulted!

As it’s now sixteen weeks since I had my third baby, the underwear has now become very useful.
Well to a certain extent, if you think about squeezing a tube of tooth paste, well It’s similar to that.

My baby elephant ear is tucked safely in to the suction under wear but obviously the flabby bits have to go somewhere, so now I have four breasts, two on the front and two at the back!!

I’m not too stressed about the whole body thing, I think enjoying my baby is more important especially as she is my last one.
A bit of exercise now and again may help, so we bought the children a trampoline for the garden and my inner child had to have a go, but breastfeeding and trampolining don’t really go hand in hand!
I almost gave myself a black eye from the big boob, the other one was obviously no threat!!
It didn’t help when other half said, “You aren’t really very athletic are you!”

I would like to see him have a go with lopsided boobs and baby elephant ear!!

Anyway, that was enough exercise for a while!!

I have come to the decision that no matter what my body looks like, it has made three beautiful children and has been worth every stretch mark and wobbly bit, even my baby elephants ear.

I had forgotten about my blog!

Wow, I had forgotten about this blog, I haven't written anything since 2005!

It's now 2009!

My son is 4 yrs old and I have a 9 week old daughter now.
So far my life seems a little calmer with my daughter.

The other half and I don't argue really, we just ignore each other, I still have the smothering thoughts when he snores but hey, we can't have everything!

It's so strange to see how much I have changed since then, with my thoughts and opinions!

My sanity has still been wavering slightly recently but we are working through it.

I never did that cleaning rota, which I knew would never work!
But I do think the shovels and hard hats are a great idea especially at the moment!

I also passed my driving test years ago and on my first test!!

My littlest lady is sleeping well for a 9 week old so all is good.

If you don't count the fact I tried to moisturise with nappy barrier cream today!
So, I'm a little bit greasy but waterproof now, which is good as it's been raining all day!

Hopefully I will write some regular posts.

A time to get Organised!

Today I am going to write myself a time table!!

Its about time I got things into order!
I know it won't be easy to stick to it with two children (especially one being a baby) but its got to be done!

I have come to the decision that handing out shovels and hard hats at the door before people enter is no longer an option.A time table of household chores is badly needed along with copious amounts of coffee for energy to motivate myself!!

At the moment my house is looking very much like a laundrette with heaped piles of clean, dirty and crumpled rag like clothing in desperate need of ironing. It is now the year 2005 not the eighties anymore so I have to try and prevent anyone leaving the house in crinkled clothing!

The plants have died in every room, neglected and lost in the junk that is building up. Its much like a war zone their poor leaves laying where they fell, forgotten with only a dried up stalk to show for it!
Our baby is 6 1/2 months old now and his room is a shell of torn off wall paper, waiting to be decorated.
We moan and groan why didn't we just get on with it before he was born!
Lack of sleep makes you lazy, too tired to get motivated!!

I have so many good intentions, things I will do, like doing my driving test!
For a long time I have been saying I will do it, then it dawned on me that it has been 10 years since I meant to do it, where did the time go!!
It's like that for me with many things, so much I want to do. Now I think what a waste of time I should of just got on with it instead of the " I will do that soon" excuse!

So now is the time for organization, a time for pulling my finger out and getting on with things NOW not soon!!

Well.....I'll see how I get on.........That's if I get time to do a Timetable!!!!

I Won!!

Why is it that some people are lucky and others are not??

I mean you hear about people that enter all the competitions they can get their hands on and they really do win things, lots of things, cars, holidays, washing machines.
The lists are endless!

I have won a few things in my time like an Easter egg competition in first school. We were given a piece of coloured paper cut in an egg shape and you had to pick lots of bits of tissue paper and other bits and bobs to stick on to it. Then two of us out of the whole school would win.

I couldn't really be bothered with it so I just stuck bits any where in the colours of our city's football team. Then handed it in.

A few days later they judged all the cut out eggs and two were selected to win a prize. In assembly they called out the first name and a boy from the year below got up to collect his prize. A chocolate Easter bunny shaped egg.
The next name was called, it took a few seconds to register it was my name!!
I too received a chocolate bunny!
I couldn't believe that my lame looking egg came first!!

I won a few dance competitions (but they don't count!)

My sister won these pens that you use to draw on fabric and when you heat it with a hair dryer they puff up. My mum wasn't too chuffed with pink fluff drawings appearing on everything we owned, especially as it didn't wash off!

Anyway, I went through a phase of trying this whole enter lots of comp's thing, trying everything from take a break (women's mag) to those crappy junk mail slips that come through the door to see if I had their luck.

Well I waited about a week when something happenend 'I WON!'.
Tearing open the envelope eagerly, I found the slip telling me I'd won a................Ruby....
Ok, so a ruby, well guess they will send it separately then. So as I was about to discard the slip of paper I noticed a tiny hard dot on some glue....it..is it..?..?

It was the ruby!

Now I think at this point I could of done with a magnifying glass, if not a microscope!
On the blob of glue (that was actually three times the size of the prize it's self) was the ruby!

Well the other half and I have never laughed so much.
Who were these people??

After reading the bottom of the slip it was a quite a top prize, the unlucky prizes were pens, alarm clocks and packets of seeds. Well I think I would rather of won a crap prize, at least you could see them!!

I also won some holiday vouchers (which I knew I would) as the other prizes were a house, a large sum of money, a car or these holiday vouchers. Sounds alright except no one had ever heard of the travel agencies!!

So are there really such lucky people out there?
I wonder how many rubys they've won!

Pine nuts and stubborn babies!!

Ok, So sanity came back when I last reported.

It's been very touch and go with him since! (sanity that is!).

The other night I was sitting here thinking why are babies so stubborn??
Well my little man is anyway!
He was so tired but was fighting the urge to sleep!
If I was a baby I WOULD sleep at every opportunity!

So after putting myself in my little mans shoes , I came up with my theory.

You see, night after night of having small doses of sleep, it not only effects your sanity but your relationship.
Take the other day for example, the other half and I barely noticed each others existence the whole morning and to be honest a complete stranger could of walked in to the house off the street, made himself a cuppa and sat himself down with a biccy and we wouldn't of noticed!
We were like a pair of spaced out zombies, all down to lack of sleep!

That afternoon the other half returned from the super market with bags of groceries. He ask for my help to put it away, so with little man in tow I made my way to the kitchen.
I was so tired that I felt like a five year old wanting to throw a tantrum.

The other half pointed out that he had picked me up some organic sunflower and pumpkin seeds to snack on. I then said they are the same as the pinenuts we had last time and wait for it..............World war three broke out!!
We had a full blown row about what size the packet of pine nuts were last time!!
Then he stood on my foot and I threw a packet of Chinese noodles (unaware they were for the future mother in law!)

So I stropped off like a fifteen year old, while the other half was swearing and shouting (to himself at this point!).
I sat sulking in the chair in our bedroom and the other half came up to tell me that I was being pathetic and argumentative. You see men are never wrong about anything and if you tell them they are then you are being argumentative!!
You can't win!!

So after more tantrums we eventually made it around to the other halves parents. There I sat trying to be sociable but still fuming from the other halves comments and trying to look awake
(I even wished I'd painted some eyes on to my eye lids so I could of got some secret kip in,
but I think I would probably of given myself away by dribbling!).

After a coffee, I begun to feel slightly more human!
The other half was with my little lady in his parents pool. So as I was standing in their kitchen, I noticed other halves mother unwrapping Chinese noodles!...(oh I wonder how they got broken??).

Anyway, a little later (back home), World war four broke out!....this time it was over the location of the remote control!!

Tiredness is evil!

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that babies are not actually humans but small alien beings, studying sleep deprivation in humans. This is why they refuse to sleep, refuse to let you sleep and laugh when you and your other half are tearing each others eyes out!!
I guess it could look entertaining??

So I am making an effort to be nice to other half and not argue about silly things like pine nuts!!!.

To insanity and beyond........

( My side of the story)

Well, As I sit here typing and forcing my eyes open with two match sticks, I feel the effects of the night before.

Its called a baby.

This is my second child and they always say you never get two alike.
They (whom ever they maybe) were right!!

I feel awful for referring back to the angelic ways of my daughter as a baby and comparing her to my little man. I mean I wouldn't swop him for nothing but as the time ticks on and sleep becomes but a distant memory its is very hard to stay sane when the other half is snoring blissfully beside you!

Take last night for example (now I do believe my little man is teething) it was a little worse than some nights. I put him down to sleep having just fed him the entire contents of both udders!
I thought I would try and put him in his cot awake with his Winnie the pooh musical gizmo (which comes with a remote control!!) to try and soothe him to sleep.

It was quiet for about two minutes actually too quiet. He had only switched the Winnie the pooh off!! (think he was trying to tell me something).
Then a sound like five hundred road drills rang out, well actually little man was letting me know he wasn't having any of this going to sleep on his own business. So having had my ear drums perforated muggings here ended up rocking him to sleep!!

After sliding into bed myself probably much like one of those movies where the snake slips in to the unsuspecting victims sleeping bag with out any sound, I closed my eyes in bliss!

Then the other half not very quietly (what he thinks is quietly) walks in and practically sky dives into bed beside me. Nice maybe in the throws of passion but not when you have just got a five and a half month old to sleep!

Well thankfully all remained quiet for an hour. I just started to slip into my comatic (if that's a word) state when what sounded like the roaring and revving of hells angels lets loose. So with sleep blinding my eyes on goes auto pilot and the routine of lobbing out my breast waving it around in the dark until one satisfied little man attaches himself to it like much like a small shuttle docking the mothership.

There I sat eyes heavy, body longing for sleep. What felt like eternity then the whole burping process to try and conquer! As many parents will know when you get a burp out its some what of a triumph and you feel you have achieved a great thing. Thats what life has come to, gone are the days of celebrating work promotions now its a time for much rejoicing when your baby has passed a successful burp or a long awaited poo!

Anyway mission accomplished, baby back in bed.
Now the task of slipping back into bed a quiet as humanly possible, hardly daring to breath. First one foot then the other........oh...little movement.......now slowly sliding my body down in the the warmth of the covers.

Then BLOODY SNORING and thrashing occurs from the body beside me!!

AAARRRGGHHH!!

So with much poking and punching I manage to get him to shift into a quiet position while he is still sleeping oblivious to the bruising he may have in the morning!!

Many times of being awake and tired I have watched and HEARD the other half blissfully sleeping and large amounts of jealousy and hate have boiled up inside me. Smothering him with a pillow has appealed at times (sleep deprivation is a nasty thing!).
But he has been good and does help me out at times by getting up and bringing little man downstairs so I can have a bit of sleep usually about five am!

TOO LATE!

He woke the little man!!!
So out of bed in to the cold night for much more soothing and its quiet once again......Probably almost an hour and the whole thing begins again!

Then again!!.

My sanity got up packed its bags and left!!!

The other half tells me to calm down (he has been awoken by this point!), while I'm a blubbering, dribbling mess. I'm not fully awake but just about managing, he isn't helping much even though he has had some sleep so it just brings up those feelings of smothering him back!!

After pulling myself together both little man and I finally get another hour of sleep!!
AN HOUR that's what I said!!

Awake again, time 5.50am!!

The other half tells me to put him in with us (something I don't want to become a habit!) so with much mumbling to ones self I do what I'm told!!

Little man isn't having none of it!!

Other half has conversation with little man about lack of sleep and him having to work.
I know he has to work and long hours too but so do I!!
House to run, children to tend!

What would happen if I didn't do my job of cleaning the house??
Hand out machetes and shovels to any visitors with maps and compasses to find their way to the kitchen?
Ask them if they are up to date on their jabs so they don't leave with some serious illness?

So eventually out comes emergency equipment unleashed from its holder and baby happily guzzling away!!.

So little more sleep.
Other half goes to work, little lady at school and after more booby little man now asleep!!!

Sanity has asked to come back but has asked for certain terms to be agreed. Must be allowed to have alcohol (only small amount) and has asked for a joint now and again.

Have informed sanity that I am still breast feeding and that he must wait a bit longer!!

Sanity has reluctantly agreed.

All calm in the Louise household, well at least until tonight anyway!!

Monkey Business

I was thinking the other day about the disappointment children can suffer at the hands of kiddie's television programmes.

It certainly left it's mark on me!!

Well, the first disappointment came after I drew a picture for heart beat.

I nearly put heart attack!
(Think its because today's art programme is called art attack!!)

Actually I'm not sure it was called heart beat either as isn't that some dodgy programme about a bunch of coppers living in a tiny rural village with one criminal and a pub?

If you know the art programme I'm on about, answers on a post card please.
It had a plastercine man called Morph that just says BO a lot!

I remember that I drew a picture of a castle with felt tips. Actually it was really crap and it took me two minutes on a torn out sheet of lined paper.
I was a very impatient child!

But I expected it to be shown AND of course it wasn't!

I only drew a bloody castle because that was the theme the week before!!
I never knew how all the other children knew what the next theme was going to be because I'm pretty damn sure they never said!!!!

I was very upset about this!

But the biggest disappointment was yet to come!
I wrote to Jim'll Fix it, but he never bloody fixed it for me (Stupid tosser!).

All I wanted was a chimpanzees tea party!

I wrote the letter in my best hand writing and I even drew a picture of me and the chimps having tea!

Just because a girl had it fixed for her to have one the week before!

I only wanted the jim'll fix it badge, but I could probably pick one up on Ebay now!


Anyway, lets face who would want something off a dirty old man that wears dodgy shell suits!!

Stupid Programmes!

How many times can you wake up?

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up only to realise that you are still asleep???

Well, I have had quite a few of these and sometimes they can be quite freaky and other times just bloody annoying!!

The first one I had happened a few years ago. I woke up one night everything seemed pretty normal at first until I noticed the pillow beside me had a pillow case on it that I had as a child.
I haven't owned the pillow case for years, I don't know what happened to it, but there it was.
I thought, something is wrong and then I thought am I awake??
I even felt the pillow to see if it was real and I could feel the cotton material between my fingers.

I then started to feel a bit freaked out as I realised this isn't real at all, just a dream so I tried to shake myself awake (I think I even tried slapping myself a couple of times!)
I hate to think what that must of looked like if I was really slapping myself in my sleep.

Well it worked as I then woke up AGAIN, only to find that although I was looking around the room and it all seemed normal, I couldn't move my body!
This was very disturbing and I tried to shake myself awake again (which was pretty difficult with a body that felt like lead!).

I then woke up again!!!!!.

This time I jumped out of bed, It took me a while to realise that I was really awake!. (or was I?)

That was one of many of these dreams.

But the most frustrating one involved me trying to use my mobile phone!
It happened one night when I woke up and wanted to send a message to someone who was out partying that night.
I reached for my mobile and thought I sent a text. I put my mobile down beside me.
When I woke up again to check for messages and my mobile wasn't beside me but where I had put it when I went to bed!
So I picked it up and checked the message but I hadn't sent a message!
I did the same again and the same happened again!

By now I was getting pissed off!

All I wanted to do was send a text and I wasn't even awake or should I say couldn't wake up. The last time I woke up that night I had sent a text. Now the question is did I send it in my sleep or was I awake!!??

These dreams are so real. I can feel texture and temperatures, its very weird.

I have actually thought about controlling these dreams rather than waking myself up. Maybe doing things going places (that would be cool!).
But what has worried me is that what I think is harmless dreaming, I'd actually be doing!
Kind of like sleep walking. I'll probably end up breaking my neck jumping out of the window in some flying dream! (flying dreams are great!).
What if I wanted to go somewhere and woke up having been arrested for wandering the streets naked like something from dawn of the dead.
Which lets face it with bed head hair and dribble dripping from the side of my mouth (most people dribble when they're asleep I think!!??).
It could look very like that!

So I decided against that idea!

I know what a shrink would say...These dreams are a result of your brain not shutting down properly and therefore leaving it confused between being asleep and awake!. Doesn't take a genius to work that out!

I think these types of dreams are known as Lucid dreams.

Anyway, I don't have those types of dreams much so when I can sleep, I sleep and nothing wakes me!!!.